


Love is a ham smoked with the fume of sighs

by bettydice (BettyKnight), codenamecynic



Series: Kirkmall AU [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 14:05:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3980857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyKnight/pseuds/bettydice, https://archiveofourown.org/users/codenamecynic/pseuds/codenamecynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'prequel' to Hot Coffee Guy + Hot Video Game Girl</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Today was Tuesday. It was 5 pm. She needed dinner. And breakfast for tomorrow.  And she probably didn’t want to go buy groceries again too soon. Also chocolate, lots of chocolate. Maybe some wine? But then she’d have to carry that and she also needed milk. What could she have for dinner? She didn’t actually want to cook, so maybe just some sandwiches? Oh the ham is on sale, that was clearly a sing! So, ham on the sandwich, then cheese, naturally. _Ugh_ , she probably had to pick up some salad and go all the way back to the vegetable aisle. Was salad really an essential part of sandwiches? At what point did a simple toast with cheese and ham turn into a sandwich? Was it the addition of salad? Or maybe mustard? What did the word sandwich even _mean_ , what was its etymological origin? Did people ever get confused and put custard on the sandwich? _Mhmmm_ , apple crumble with custard. But she didn’t have any apples and they were so heavy.

“Excuse me.”

Patsy needed a moment to snap out of her inner musings and return back to the grocery store, blinking at the rude person interrupting her contemplations on the nature of sandwiches.

“Could you please move?”

That voice… As realisation hit her with the force of an angry bronto she almost dropped her shopping basket. It was Fenris, aka Hot Coffee Guy, the guy she’d been crushing on for months. Now he was staring at her - eyes burning into her skull as if he could find the part of her brain responsible for her legs and move her with just the power of his thoughts.

“Move where?”

“You’re blocking the ham.”

Patsy made a sound that she hoped was apologetic and took a hasty step back. What was he doing here? Did he also live close to the Mall? MAYBE THEY WERE NEIGHBOURS! Next-door neighbours! Maybe he could hear her sing under the shower? He was probably judging her taste in music. Well, she had nothing to be embarrassed about, _Leli and the Schmooples_ were amazing. If he didn’t like it, _he_ was the one who should be judged! _Calm down, Patsy, you’ve already seen most of the people in your apartment complex and he’s not one of them._

Fenris grabbed the desired ham from the fridge (A huge ham hock - _what was he going to do with it?_ Throw a ham party?) and started to walk away. Patsy felt panic start bubbling up in her stomach. This was her chance to talk to him, no longer separated by a counter. No longer bound by the restrictions of a server - customer relationship! Finally she would be able to say what she really wanted to say to him!

“I love your coffee!”

In the time it took Fenris to turn around and stare at her with a huge frown on his face, Patsy considered dropping her basket and running away as fast as she could. He probably didn’t recognize her. Or he did and now she was The Girl Who Is Addicted To Coffee And Who Is A Rude Ham-Blocker.

“Are you talking to me?”

“Uhm, yes. I really like your coffee.”

She gestured to the orange apron he was still wearing, the _Brewmother_ logo emblazoned on his chest. His eyes widened in understanding and he nodded at her.

“You’re the girl from the video game store.”

He knew who she was. _Oh no_. Oh yes? Was that good? Probably not.

“Anyway, sorry for the ham. The blocking. I was… thinking about what to have for dinner.”

“Okay. Well, then, I’ll see you around!”

He hurried away and Patsy put a hand to her face in shame, once again her mouth preventing her from having anything resembling a love life. Sadly, she was holding a packet of tea in that hand and she mashed it straight into her eye. She dropped her shopping basket and threw the tea aside as indescribable pain rushed through her.

“MAKER’S SHITTY BALLS!”

She probably had the entire store staring at her but she didn’t care. She didn’t know if it was blood or tears streaming down her face, she couldn’t see and she was standing in the middle of the fucking aisle. As she was mourning her eyesight and her dignity, she felt a hand on her elbow guiding her away from what she assumed was a pile of her groceries on the floor.

“Are you alright?”

There was only one person in the world with such a delicious voice and she didn’t know whether she should be glad that Fenris had come to help her or be mortified that he was witnessing her turning into a flounder on dry land, wildly flopping through life.

“Yes, I’m perfectly fine, thank you! Just a little mishap! Who needs two eyes anyway? I mean, two? That is just excessive!”

“Here, hold this against your eye.”

He pressed something cold to her face. Was that… _the ham?_ She moved her hands so that she could see out of the eye that was still working and saw him smiling at her.

“Thanks! So this is what these big hams are good for! I’ve always wondered!”

“They also come in handy when there’s a huge pigeon in the shop and you need something to throw at it.”

There was a moment of stunned silence - Patsy processing what Fenris had just said and him trying to control the look of terror on his face.

“I meant… a burglar. There was a _burglar_ in the shop.”

“Did you catch them?”

“Yes, knocked him out… with the ham.”

He sounded horrified at his own words and Patsy decided to help him out a bit.

"I guess you could say that it came in _ham_ dy!”

Another moment of silence.

“Anyway, I have to get back to work. I hope your eye will be okay!”

“Oh, okay, thanks again for the ham! I guess _eye_ ’ll see you around!”

He chuckled (or choked, she wasn’t sure), waved at her and hurried away, grabbing another ham on his way to the checkout. Patsy was left standing next to the canned vegetables, a ham pressed to her face and a pile of sweets and snacks, brioche and at least three different boxes of cereal on the floor in front of her.

As far as first impressions went, she’d had worse!


	2. Bonus: That Time Fenris Threw Ham At A Pigeon [Skype Fic]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a silly little exploration of The Ham Incident, developed in Skype chat

**Betty:**   so apparently it is canon in my coffee au that fenris threw a ham at a pigeon

**Cynic:**   well i mean, pigeons are stupid  
  
 **Betty:**   and then it's dead  
  and now he has a dead pigeon in the store  
   customers will come soon  
  
 **Cynic:**   so he puts it in the freezer and then Merrill finds it and she screams and mall security comes running  
  
 **Betty:**   and Fenris doesn't say anything so they think someone is like threatening the store  
  
 **Cynic:**   and then he eventually has to explain why there's a dead pigeon stuck to a ham in the freezer  
  
 **Betty:**   omg Mall Cop Aveline comes running in "WHAT IS THE TROUBLE I HEARD A SCREAM"  
   "okay everyone step away from the pigeon this is a crime scene now"  
  and fenris is having a meltdown on the inside  
  
 **Cynic:**   praying for the pianos to rain down  
  
 **Betty:**   AND THEN THE PIGEON WASN'T DEAD AND STARTS FLAPPING IT'S WINGS  
  and aveline is so shocked she kills it  
  
 **Cynic:**   BUT IT'S TANGLED IN THE HAM WRAPPER  
  then there's ham/pigeon paste for real  
  she like blugeons it to death with a bag of coffee or something  
  
 **Betty:**   and she just goes like "uhm... okay... you'll have to close the store and clean this"  
  "bye, aveline out"  
  and merrill wants to bury it  
  
 **Cynic:**   omg and hold a funeral  
  
 **Betty:**   secretly she knows fenris did it  
  so she's just like "THIS POOR INNOCENT ANIMAL"  
  
 **Cynic:**   "WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING FENRIS?"  
  
 **Betty:**   "TAKEN FROM IT'S FAMILY TOO SOON"  
  "LEAVING BEHIND A HORDE OF ORPHANED LITTLE BIRDS"  
  
 **Cynic:**   omg imagine if she guilts him into digging a hole in like one of the parking lot medians after hours or something  
  and invites random mall people to this bird funeral  
  
 **Betty:**   Isabela brings booze  
  
 **Cynic:**   and everyone is just really confused about why they're burying a bird and this ham  
  
 **Betty:**   varric just rolls with it and holds an impromptu eulogy  
  and anders goes like "SO YOU CARE ABOUT RANDOM PIGEONS BUT WHENEVER I TRY TO TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING YOU JUST RUN AWAY"  
  
 **Cynic:**   sebastian from the christian bookstore down the way: i didn't even know you guys carried ham  
  and fenris is just like OMG PLEASE SHUT UP no i did not kill this bird  
  and like half the people are mourning this bird  
  and the other half are talking about ham  
  
 **Betty:**   random person: so are they serving pigeon sandwiches at the brewmother?  
  and the next day merrill creates the Special for the day which is called [punny title about birds or sth]  
  
 **Cynic:**   the early bird special or smth  
  
 **Betty:**   or late bird, since the bird is dead


End file.
